emotional crap.

hearing mocca's cheerful song doesn't help sometimes.

yes, you may think. what is my problem actually?!

sometimes i feel like the biggest hypocrite. i can hide my feelings really well, and yes, at times when you see me with the biggest smile on my face but yet there's something really bothering me inside.

friends can't help that much actually. i learn it the hard way when someone actually scolded me saying it's all me. i'm the one who's causing the problem. and yes, i know that. but its as if there's nothing i can do about it. actually i can do something about it. its just that maybe i don't want to. not yet that is. does that make any sense?!

in fb and friendster, i put "complicated is my middle name" as my about me. i tend to make things complicated. haha. its just me. deal with it. some people can, and some people just don't give a damn.

fai said something interesting about the pattern of my love life yesterday. it seems that all the people i dated/with are somehow.... needy. hence one of the reasons why any of it didn't work out. haha. i admit back in my last relationship, sadly to say i was a bit.. needy. haha. i guess seeing each other everyday doesn't help. but yeah, i'm trying to improvise myself. learning from my mistakes. making myself a better person and all that crap.

and so i thought to myself, the next relationship i have i'll not do things like what i did the last time. for example, if he wants to play futsal every single day rather than going out with me, then let him play. i'll find other stuff to entertain me. and this does not include being the water girl and taking care of his stuff. haha, i've had enough of that. i'll not control him and let him do anything he wants, with one condition he too will not control me. what else. and i'll trust him though not 100% but yes, i will. although he's far far away from me. (am not hinting for another long distance relationship anyway, but kalau dapat nk buat mcm mana kan. haha)

i guess what i'm trying to say here is that yes, i admit i'm not over it. the memories are somehow too strong. yes, he's no longer in my mind. and yes, i am aware he's awfully happy with someone else already. so what's holding me back i have absolutely no idea. but i'm trying. baby steps at a time.

someone reminded me it's been 6 months already. and i'm like so?! he himself took 4 freaking years to get over the gf and now he's pushing me?! oh that's just no fair. besides i have a lot to think about nowadays.

the driving license (hahahaha)

the work (shit few more daaays!!)

the friends (i love u guys, despite kene bully every single freaking time. thanks fai. hmph)

so yeah. like i said, i'll take my own sweet time. there's no point in rushing. there's no point in all that anymore. there's more to life than being in love/loving someone. so yeah, i'll take my own sweet time. and when the time comes, i'll know for sure. :)