I'm back!

Hello there

It’s been so long since I last wrote something in here. 

So much has happened. And no, I’m not pregnant yet. 

So let’s see, we bought a house. Alhamdulillah. It’s a little bit far (!!) from where I imagined but its okay, what matters is that it is ours, and I’m so thankful for it. The house will only be completed next year, so currently we are still in the process of saving money (which is difficult because we have plans for holidays almost every month, haha!). I’ve already started buying household stuff; which is why Adam banned me from buying online (I bought quite a few of stuff in the same month, but in my defence I’ll only get it like months away so it should be fine.)

Other than that, we went for our Europe trip end of October 2014, maybe I should write about that because the whole process to complete the itineraries and buying the tickets took so long so yes, besides I love every single thing about the trip so maybe I should write something as to keep the memories. 

So see you in the next post!

.

The most difficult thing to do now. The search continues.

Of Positivity

Hello

It's been a while since i last post something truly brutally honest here. All these while, I kept things to myself, those things that I'm worried about; about the future, about life, about work and all.

Future. To think that in just 7,8 months, I'll become someone's wife. A WIFE. The word itself carry so much responsibility. Will I ever be a good wife to him? Can I give him everything that he wants and needs? God knows I can't cook to save my life, will we eat outside everyday? Mom usually does the laundry and all, can I actually take care of his needs? How will I know which to hand wash, which to machine wash? I am actually terrified of all these. Mostly because I'm never trained to be someone like that. I don't want him to look down on me, to laugh at me for not knowing simple things like that. 

I've read that being in a relationship and being married is a whole lot different. And I'm truly scared that when the time comes, I'll chickened out. Heck, even when I am about to get engaged, I get cold feet. I kept thinking of my past, wondering if he is really the guy for me. 

There's just so much in my life that I hate right now, and no one knows it but me, and also him. But I learned to shut up about it and don't show it too much in public, hence me being all chirpy and happy. Because I know, if I give in to my emotions, that'll be the end of it. 

I do feel depressed once in a while, when we talked about something that worries me to death! And I hate this feeling actually, truly hate it. That is why I try my best not to be depressed. As cliche as it sound, life is short. That is the only reason I try my very best to snap out of it. Because not only it'll effect myself, it will also effect my relationship with him and everyone around me. 

There's just so much I wish I could write, but then again, most of the time, some things are better left unsaid. And with this headache that I have now, it's the best combination, and I just want to sleep it off.

Hopefully when I wake up tomorrow morning, the headache is gone and I'll have my positive self again. Negative aura, go away!

By Thirty

By 30, you should have ...


1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you’ve come.


2. A decent piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.


3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.


4. A purse, a suitcase, and an umbrella you’re not ashamed to be seen carrying.


5. A youth you’re content to move beyond.


6. A past juicy enough that you’re looking forward to retelling it in your old age.


7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old age -- and some money set aside to help fund it.


8. An email address, a voice mailbox, and a bank account -- all of which nobody has access to but you.


9. A résumé that is not even the slightest bit padded.


10. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.


11. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra.


12. Something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it.


13. The belief that you deserve it.


14. A skin-care regimen, an exercise routine, and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don’t get better after 30.


15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship, and all those other facets of life that do get better.


By 30, you should know ...


1. How to fall in love without losing yourself.


2. How you feel about having kids.


3. How to quit a job, break up with a man, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.


4. When to try harder and when to walk away.


5. How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn’t like to happen next.


6. The names of the secretary of state, your great-grandmothers, and the best tailor in town.


7. How to live alone, even if you don’t like to.


8. Where to go -- be it your best friend’s kitchen table or a yoga mat -- when your soul needs soothing.


9. That you can’t change the length of your legs, the width of your hips, or the nature of your parents.


10. That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it’s over.


11. What you would and wouldn’t do for money or love.


12. That nobody gets away with smoking, drinking, doing drugs, or not flossing for very long.


13. Who you can trust, who you can’t, and why you shouldn’t take it personally.


14. Not to apologize for something that isn’t your fault.


15. Why they say life begins at 30


List excerpted from Glamour's "Thirty Things Every Woman Should Have and Should Know By The Time She's 30."


3 more years, I'll come back and see how I've come so far. :)

Was browsing through The Star and i stumbled this article, it's about the 3 C's. Knowing women, we would straight away think about diamonds but no, not in this case. :) 

"PETALING JAYA: There are three “Cs” couples should abide by to keep their marriages strong, say family groups.

Focus on The Family Malaysia executive director Lee Wee Min said practising Commitment, Communication and Consecrate Time would help bring down divorce rates.

“Commitment is the safety net to a relationship. Married couples need to be committed and show it by giving each other priority and unconditional love,” said Lee.

The second “C”, “communication”, he likened to blood in a human body.

“When blood stops flowing, the body will not function. Similarly, when communication ceases, the relationship stops functioning.

“Positive and meaningful communication where both can express themselves freely and respectfully is very important for a healthy marriage.

“Each spouse must learn to communicate what he or she wants, rather than expecting the other to know.”

A 2011 report by the Malaysian Quality of Life (MQLI) showed that the number of divorces last year had doubled compared to the previous year.

Meanwhile, figures from the Economic Planning Unit (EPU) showed that as of 2010, 33,788 out of 207,553 marriages had ended in divorce.

Lee said that the final “C” stands for “consecrate time”, and used the building of a concrete structure as an illustration.

“Consecrate means set apart'. While building a concrete structure, the concrete must be allowed 28 days to gain structural strength before the structure can be utilised.

“In the same way, couples must set aside time to strengthen their bonds that is, to get to know, understand and accept each other which cannot happen overnight,” said Lee.

Family counsellor Yvonne Lee said that marriage cannot work on a “trial basis”.

“It is a lifelong commitment, and takes lifelong effort for it to work.

“However, the perception towards marriage nowadays is let's just give it a try, and if it does not work we'll just split up',” she said.".

Taken from here

"As I sit here writing this, I am just so grateful to be alive.

To think that 30 hours ago I had a knife to my throat, face to face with the threat of being kidnapped and raped.

It was a Sunday, at 5.22PM. I was alone, walking towards my boyfriend's car in level B2 of The Curve, Mutiara Damansara. He was not in town, and I was running errands with his car. Just as I was putting my shopping bags in the rear seat, the rear car door was slammed against my back, and a meat cleaver was pressed against my throat. A man covered my mouth with his hand, and whispered not to scream. He then shoved me onto the floor of the backseat of the car and waved the cleaver at me, reminding me not to scream. He was skinny, wearing a baggy turqoise blue t-shirt, had a thick moustache and short curly hair, approx 5'8", mid-30s, and of Indian descent.

At this moment, second man appeared. He was also in his mid-30s. He was wearing a red t-shirt, had a crewcut, and was of Malay descent. He grabbed my car keys and demanded for my parking ticket. I couldn't remember where it was. They shoved me deeper into the car, and the Indian man got into the back seat with me, while the Malay man got into the driver's seat, driving us out of the carpark.

I told them they could take everything, just let me go. But at that point they didn't even ask for money. Instead, the Indian man started to make sexual advances. Then it hit me. "Oh my God. Oh my God. This is really happening. I'm being kidnapped.. and I think I know what they want."

From this moment on, there were a few crucial things that happened that I think is the reason I'm alive today. 

1. I managed to get into a position to escape.

 When they got into the car, the Indian man had tried to force my body down onto the floor. I knew that the moment I'm on the floor, there would be no chance of escape. So I begged him to let me sit up. I promised him I wouldn't scream or alert anyone's attention. Thankfully, he trusted me, and let me sit up, gripping my arm tightly. Then I told him my arm really hurt and to please not grip it so hard. He loosened his grip.

2. I did not fight for the sake of fighting.

 I was in an enclosed space, with no clear escape route. I would never win in a fight with these 2 guys, especially when they have sharp weapons. Had I fought from the get go, I may not have been in a position to escape. I might've even been knocked out cold, and God only knows where I would be right now. 

3. I was lucky and sneaky.

I knew that the only way to escape, was to jump out of the car, even if it was moving. They had locked the car doors. So I leaned back, pretended to scratch my hair, and shakily unlocked the door I was leaning against. I'm so lucky they did not see or hear this!

4. I went 'crazy' at the right time.

And then I waited. I knew that the car would have to slow down outside the parking lot, as it exits to merge with the main roads. The moment it slowed down, I opened the car door and tried to make a run for it. I failed. I kicked my legs out of the car, but the Indian man had managed to pull my body back in. From this moment on, everything is a blur. I remember the Malay driver temporarily stopping the car, leaning over from the driver's seat and attempting to close the door and pull my legs in. At that point I remember thinking, "Even if I don't get out now, I need to keep the door open and my legs out the door. At the very least, it should cause a scene, and someone would see me. Or, the door might hit another car and they'll be forced to slow down." So I continued kicking. My right foot pushed against the wide-open car door to keep it open. I recall elbowing, struggling, kicking, and even biting. I lost my glasses, and was struggling blindly for my life. At some point the Malay driver yelled, "BAGI DIA LEPAS! BAGI DIA LEPAS!" (Let her go! Let her go!) and the Indian man loosened his grip. I made a jump out of the still-moving car, and ran for my life. 

5. I acted in spite of the fear.

My friends said I was brave. But I didn't feel like it. I was quivering and shaking in fear. I was so afraid. I thought I was going to die.  I was weak with fear and deathly afraid. I truly thought "this was it". But I knew I HAD to move. I had to run. Or there would be a worser fate in store for me. While I was quaking in fear, I forced myself to look around and see if there was any way I could escape, or even catch someone's eye.

6. I remembered the people I love.

The only thing that matters when you're faced with potentially horrendous fate, is the people in your life. When I felt the knife to my neck, the first thing I thought was , "This cannot be happening. I must be dreaming." The second? The people that truly matter to me flashed across my mind. It sounds cliche, but it's true. I thought of my parents. My brother. Khailee. Esther. More people. That's all I could think of for a few moments, before I thought, "Shit. I need to get out of here."

//

I ran towards the Maybank outlet at the Curve. There were plenty of people milling around. I screamed for help over and over again. I was hysterical. I grabbed an older Malay man by his shoulders and begged for help before practically collapsing at his feet. 

I will always remember the relief and liberation I felt, running over Mutiara Damansara's manicured grass and into the crowd. 

Today, I found out that the entire ordeal from the moment I left the parking ticket payment machine, to my escape, happened in about 4 minutes. To me, it felt like one long nightmare.

We never think its going to happen to us... and then it does. I used to think that this is something that happens only in the papers and to people far, far removed from me. But then it did happen to me. I moved to PJ/KL 6 years ago, and I've spent countless mornings, afternoons and nights at The Curve. When my friends and I were organizing Rock Up! back in 2008, we were walking around the place at 4AM even. It's been 6 years, and never once did I feel that I was unsafe at The Curve. Until yesterday. 

I feel like moving out of the country ASAP. Getting the hell out of this state where you hear of a kidnapping or attempted one every month (remember Nayati?), or a snatch theft every week. And yet I'm fully aware of the fact that in another country with more lax firearm laws, they would've been holding a gun to my head, not a cleaver. And that would've been so, so much worse. 

I'm Blessed. By God's grace, I am alive and relatively well. And I will live another day to build another cat iPhone app. It just was not my time to go. And for that, I thank God. 

I want to share this story with everyone because cops tell me that they rarely get to hear it from someone who escapes. 

Girls, be so very careful. Be vigilant, and please try not to go anywhere alone. If you need to walk to the carpark, and you're alone, get a guard to go with you. I was recently told that it's part of their job description to assist anyone if needed.

Guys, watch out for your girlfriends, wives, mothers, sisters and friends. Walk with them, don't take their paranoia or fear lightly. Watch out for them. 

And everyone, just watch out for each other. Take care of each other. These things really DO happen. As I ran out of the car, so many people came to help me. Strangers who didn't know who I was, came forward and offered me tissue paper, water, cellphones, and general comfort.

Malaysians, please care for one another. You already do. Just keep on caring. Keep watching out for each other. Don't worry about being thought of as "busy body" or "overreacting". The world can be a cruel place, but all it takes is for people to care for one another to make all the difference."

Lina Teoh experienced more or less the same ordeal, but hers was on the road! Therefore, please be careful where ever you are, even at home, when driving alone. There's a lot of crazy people, desperate to get money and who would do just about anything to get money. 

Goodbye KPB!

Last week!

Jan 2009 - May 2012.

Hello!

Hello there.

How are you? I miss writing here. Miss blogging. I know i said i'll write again about stuff. But currently there's just too much going on i can't seem to find time to jot things down.

But i will. When the time is right. 😌;)

Love,
Azalia

I want marriage not responsbility.

For all the wives and soon to be wives. Let's learn something shall we? :)

Taken from purematrimony.com.

"I think it’s safe to say that most women want the benefits of being married. We want some of the same things – to be loved and taken care of and to have a companion. But how many of us put in the work to receive those benefits? And how many of us are thinking, “what work?”

Some women think that the benefits of being married should be automatic, either because the husband loves her or simply because that’s what a married woman is supposed to get. Maybe they think they are entitled to these benefits, whether or not they are doing anything to deserve them. There are also women who say they do their part so they should receive the same.

It sounds normal, but the problem comes when the wife’s efforts correlate to her level of pleasure. Meaning the happier the husband makes her, the more she will do for him and if he is not making her happy, he gets the same in return (unhappiness). This image of the husband feeling the wife’s displeasure excuses her of responsibility for her behavior.

Before I got married, I was told “No man is worth your tears and the one who is, won’t make you cry.” This sounds nice and romantic but it is very unrealistic. This is to say that your husband would not do anything that would make you sad or upset. And what happens when he does make you cry? Does that mean he is no longer worthy of your love?

Narrated by Ibn ‘Abbas: The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “I was shown the Hell-fire and the majority of its dwellers were women who were ungrateful.” It was asked, “Do they disbelieve in Allah?” (or are they ungrateful to Allah?) He replied, “They are ungrateful to their husbands and are ungrateful for the favors and the good (charitable deeds) done to them. If you have always been good (benevolent) to one of them and then she sees something in you (not of her liking), she will say, ‘I have never received any good from you.” (Bukhari)

When I think about this hadith, I am speechless at the accuracy of it. And although you may think you don’t ever say this to your husband with your tongue, there are times when we say it with our actions.

You know that moment when your husband tells you he can’t come through on something he promised, something you were looking forward to, or when he hurts your feelings or makes you mad, and something switches inside of you. Something that makes you instantly stop caring about what makes him happy. Something that makes you storm out of the room or hang up the phone. That same thing that makes you say, “Hmph” and you no longer feel motivated to be nice to him. That’s the part that says, “I don’t need you. I’ll do it myself” or “Fine, you don’t want to help me, I won’t help you either.” Even worse, is when we act out by withholding our kindness to blatantly show our displeasure in an effort to get our husbands to “behave”.

This is when you have to remind yourself of a few things:

What is marriage about? Are you fulfilling the purpose? A couple is supposed to help each other get closer to Allah. What have you done to help your husband achieve this? Is marriage a one-way street? Are you in it just to have someone work to make you happy? Are you okay with pleasing your husband, as long as he is pleasing you? When you fell short and disappointed him, did you expect him to be patient with you or lash out with resentment and harsh words? If the answer is the former, then why do we think it’s ok for us to respond with the latter? If it’s hard for you to be good to him when you are hurt, then maybe you weren’t being good to him for the right reason in the first place. His rights are not dependent on your emotions.

There was a poster on the wall in my school classroom that read “When you point a finger at someone, there are three pointing back at you.” This means when you are pointing the finger of blame at your husband, claiming that he has fallen short, you need to take at look at yourself and analyze your own behavior.

Ask yourself, “Has he really done anything wrong? Has he not given me my rights or am I just unhappy about my wants not being met?” Sometimes you may find yourself thinking, “Why should I continue pleasing him if he isn’t pleasing me?” The answer is because you are married. A wife may ask, “Why should I be fake? Why should I continue to be there for him after he’s hurt me?” The answer is, “That’s what marriage is…it’s called Loyalty”. And if you’re reading this and the first thing you say is, “But he’s not being loyal to me!” – You’re doing it again. You are ignoring your part of the deal.

Remember how, before you got married, you made a list of the characteristics or qualities of your future husband? You wanted him to be patient with you when you burned the food, supportive when you were tired and helpful when you needed it. Did you think about the qualities you would need to have?

I am not advising anyone to put up with a husband’s behavior if it involves something haraam or detrimental. What I am saying is that we need to realign our standards with Allah’s. We need to understand that we will not be questioned on the Day of Judgment about what our husband did. And when Allah tells us of our responsibilities, that is exactly what they are – responsibilities.
Not negotiations or bargains.

Allah commands the husbands to “live with them (wives) in kindness” (Qur’an, 4:19)

Allah continues by telling them that when they are displeased with us, to focus on the other qualities we have that make them happy.

What about us? Do you think that we should do the opposite?

Source: Andrea Umm Abdullah, http://saudilife.net/marriage/25498-i-want-marriage-not-responsibility#comment-3698"

Past and Future

Read back the old post, back in 2007. Funny please! I mean i wrote quite a lot back then, although most of it does not make any sense and i wrote a lot about how i felt back then and i kind of miss that.

It seems like there's more to write at that time rather than now. Sigh. I know no one actually reads this blog except for my best friend (i think) but we have twitter and whatsapp for faster response but yeah maybe i should write more. :)

Maybe i will. See you guys soon then.

Stuck.

I've been feeling down these past few days. Workwise actually. It came to a point that i just could not take it anymore. I feel as if i could not go forward. I feel stuck. As if someone superglued me here. I'm trapped and as much i try to wriggle free i just can't. Not yet i guess but i'm really trying here. I'm just not happy here.

I see my friends working elsewhere and despite the workload they are still happy. And i want that. I need that badly. Probably it is not my time yet, my rezeki is still here but Ya Allah i hope i will be given a chance somewhere else. Insyallah.

Weekenders.

Hello!

Happy new year! So what did you do on NYE? As for me, that evening i was driving home from Lumut as we had a small gathering with TheUsualsTTDI ( very small indeed as others have other plans) but it was fun alright. Good food, comfortable and good people, cool fireworks and i have my man with me. :) simple and nice.

The next day we went crazy with malls. Haha! 5 malls in one day! Crazy! We went to Amcorp Mall for the flea market (Adam's fave place), then to Ampang Point to run some errand and then KLCC because i wanted to check out Candyliscious (nothing much imho, they don't have Wonka chocolates boooo) and then to Ikea for some meatballs lovin' and Ikano as we want to check out things at Harvey Norman. And oh we found our dream fridge! Nothing too fancy and expensive. First time we agreed on something. Lols. Went home and knocked out straight away! I was dead tired seriously ny feet was aching sigh.

Come monday morning and i find myself driving back to Lumut. Boos.

So yeah that's pretty much how i spend my so called long weekend. Tiring but fun fun fun!

So HAPPY NEW YEAR ALL ! Much love.

Bring it on!

In another 3 days it will be 2012. I'm not even ready to leave 2011 yet BUT am so looking forward to 2012. :)

2011 has been a rough year for me. More or less. Fights, with family and him. Went to Pulau Perhentian and Phnom Penh, and it was super awesome. And oh that particular trip to Penang was extra special. :)

Fai, Fadhilah and Noe got married. 2 of 'em are expecting their little ones early next year. Hani and Raziyah got engaged to their bf's.

Work wise, i went to Lumut (and still here btw) for a project and it'll only finish middle of next year. So far so good i guess but we'll see.

Love wise, still pretty strong Alhamdulillah. Couldn't imagine life without him. Wedding bells? No, not too soon. Insyallah someday. Pray for us pretty please?

I will miss 2011 tremendously. I have learned so much, in all aspects but 2012 will be so much awesome i hope. Bring it on!

With love,
Azalia
20.24 on 28 December 2011

Updates

Its my second day of fasting today. I was so tired yesterday i slept early and missed sahur. And now i'm so hungry cause my last meal was just 1/2 plain rice and a chicken and 3 1/2 akok.

And yesterday morning, while i was driving back to Lumut, something happened. I dare not tell my mom cause i'm afraid that she will ask me to stop going back. Nothing serious but its somehow scary. Ya Allah please keep me and my family safe from harm.

Oh btw! My cousin just gave birth last week. Triplets! And all boys! :) wow supermom she will be indeed. I have yet to see them as they were in Prince Court last week. I shall visit them this week insyaallah.

Ooh i also bought the Celcom Instanet to use here. One thing i love about this is that its prepaid, which means no contract! I remembered when i wanted to buy this iPhone, they had to check if i'm being blacklisted anywhere else. And i was! With Celcom when i subscribed to their broadband when i was in PD during my practical training. Try and guess how much i owed them? 17 bucks. 17 freaking bucks! Sigh. Dugaan terbesar beli iPhone because i had to go to Curve and pay the balance, go back to Digi Solaris Mont Kiara the next day only to find all sold out. T_T but its all good now. :))

So what now?

I am currently in Lumut, our fabrication yard for a project we just got. Initially i thought i will be here till January, but it seems the schedule is a bit pack that we proposed to client to have everything ready by end of March.

Now, at first i didn't think i would feel anything about moving here. But somehow i find myself feel quite down and sad. It doesnt help that Adam was currently on holidays, which makes it even harder because he cant send me here. Boohoo

Being here really makes me appreciate life in HQ more. The people are just super friendly, we were always happy and i have the best/ psycho neighbour who would always give us (me) food and stuff. And that when the bosses are not around we sometime have tea party lols. But here, hmm thats another different story. Lets just say even though we are the same company, but we are not one. Get it?

Digi sucks much here because they dont have 3g here. Certain places ada lah. Sigh. They dont have 3G at my house. Sucks. But its okay. As long as i can whatsapp and tweet its sokaaay. And besides i pretty much download like crazy at home, Unifi baby!

And ooh the food here murah sgt! I think can save a lot here since one day; lunch and dinner its roughly around 10 bucks. They have McD here so its quite cool. No shopping malls but they do have Tesco and Giant. Pangkor is just so dekat i think i can go there even at the last minute! But then, its not as nice as Perhentian, Redang of course.

Oh well. Time flies so fast nowdays 9 months wont be a problem, i hope :)

Signing out now :)

Strangers, again

Stage 1: Meeting

Stage 2: Chase

Stage 3: Honeymoon

Stage 4: Comfortable

Stage 5: Tolerance

Stage 6: Downhill

Stage 7: Breaking up

"Every relationship goes through stages. Where and how each stage develops is ultimately up to each person. While we always hope for the best, we often can't avoid the inevitable."

I've had my share in failed relationship. The heartache, the constant crying, the thought that every guy is a jerk am never gonna fall in love again, ever, it is tiring. And stressful. And even though it's something that we would never ever want to experience, but in life, this is normal. I always believe that in for every failed relationship, you are preparing yourself more and more to the one who's actually meant for you. Falling in love, no matter for how long or how short it is, is the most wonderful feeling God can ever give you. And when it doesn't work out, although as painful as it is, you should be glad that at one certain point, there's someone who thinks you're the most wonderful person in the whole world, and the memories of it will remains as the most sweetest memories ever.